When one suffers the loss of a close relative such as a parent or a spouse, the immediate reaction is to cry. The shedding of tears is an instinctive reaction that enables one to cope with the tragedy. A person who truly suffers the loss of a loved one does not have to eulogize the person and verbalize the positive attributes of the deceased in order to evoke tears.
The tears tend to be automatic; they are a direct result of the void felt in one’s heart. It is only when the loss is not close to one’s heart and is not felt as strongly that it is necessary to take measures to induce the tears. When one is not particularly close to the deceased, a eulogy is needed to pierce his heart and allow the pain to be felt.
The Torah tells us in this week’s portion that Sarah, our great matriarch passed away, and her husband Abraham came to eulogize her. However, when we read the passage carefully it seems a bit peculiar. The Torah states “and Abraham came to eulogize Sarah and to cry for her.” It seems that the sequence should have been reversed. Abraham was a caring spouse who was suffering the loss of his beloved wife Sarah. Was a eulogy a necessary means for Abraham to lament the loss of Sarah? The order should have been: “and Abraham came to cry for his wife Sarah and to eulogize her.” Why doesn’t the Torah list the reactions in this order?
To answer this question we must first understand the implication of the terms “crying” and “eulogy.” Crying is an emotional reaction of one who is suffering. Surely crying is helpful; it is a means of coping with the pain. Nevertheless, for whom do we cry? Are we crying for the deceased? Do we weep for the pain felt by the departed? Clearly, we cry only for ourselves. On the other hand a eulogy is not a personal reaction
at all. The Talmud tells us (Sanhedrin 46b), the purpose of a eulogy is to give respect and honor to the deceased. We speak words of praise about the wonderful attributes and accomplishments of the deceased. We try to articulate our grief so that the listeners will realize the severity of the loss to all humanity. In short, we react to a loss of a loved one with both tears and praise. The tears are a personal expression of pain and loss. The praise is a tribute to the deceased.
A great man once asked his students what their favorite food was. One student commented, “I love fish.” The great man turned to his student and said, “if you loved fish you would not eat fish, but you love yourself so you eat fish.” In relationships the same idea is true. If one focuses only on their personal happiness the relationship is based on love for oneself. When one truly loves their spouse they focus on making the spouse happy. Personal happiness comes as a result of seeing their loved one happy.
The relationship of Abraham and Sarah thrived on each one being constantly concerned about the happiness of the other. Even after Sarah’s demise Abraham continued to focus on her needs prior to his own personal needs. It is for this reason that the Torah tells us “and Abraham came to eulogize Sarah and cry for her.” It is mentioned specifically in that order, first to eulogize and only then to cry. Abraham’s primary purpose was to ensure that Sarah received the dignified tribute and respect that she deserved. His first reaction was to eulogize her and publicize her greatness. Only afterward did Abraham take the liberty to cry and focus on his personal grief and sorrow. By reversing the order of events the Torah subtly teaches us a priceless lesson about relationships.
